Entering a relationship should always benefit our mental health, fostering the hope of sharing mutual, positive thoughts and feelings with another person for a long time without any burden. The joy we derive from a relationship largely depends on our positive mindset. Ultimately, the success or failure of any relationship—be it friendship, courtship, or marriage—rests on the frequency, depth, and quality of our interactions with another person. Over time, these interactions can positively or negatively impact our mental state.
Regrettably, many relationships are unhealthy. Consider divorce: although statistics vary, roughly half of all marriages end in divorce (the actual figure is slightly less). Divorce can be an excruciating ordeal that may harm one's mental health before, during, and after the process. But it's not only divorce; our friendships and dating relationships can also influence our mental well-being.
Amidst the turmoil of a relationship, it can be challenging to pause and assess our mental state. Often, we are preoccupied with either healing the relationship or finding a way out. The extent of harm a negative relationship inflicts on our health varies based on several factors:
- Duration of the relationship
- Nature of the relationship (marriage, friendship, courtship, etc.)
- Occurrence of violence (mental or physical)
- Involvement of children
- Occurrence of infidelity
- And more.
It's important to recognize that any period during which our emotional or mental health suffers is excessive. This is particularly true when the suffering is caused by someone unworthy of our love, affection, and attention.
Here are five signs that your partner may be detrimental to your mental health:
1. Continuously second-guessing thoughts and feelings (believing you might be overreacting or being too dramatic/sensitive, etc.) when you have the right to do so is concerning.
It's normal to occasionally question our thoughts and feelings; we're only human. However, it's not normal for a partner to behave in a way that consistently makes us doubt our mental state and emotions. If this is a recurring issue, it's likely that the other person is being manipulative.
Denial often occurs at this stage, either by the person causing harm or the one experiencing it. The perpetrator typically denies their intent, using phrases like "I didn't know you felt that way..." or "I didn't mean to..." Conversely, the victim may deny the perpetrator's intent on their behalf, attempting to justify the other person's actions.
2. Making excuses for someone's behavior
We should avoid making excuses for others, especially when it involves someone we deeply care about or love. Continually excusing someone's behavior is problematic for two main reasons: (1) it enables the individual to continue their negative actions without consequences, and (2) it harms our relationship with those for whom we make excuses, potentially leading them to feel exploited and mistreated.
Moreover, we need to be mindful of the excuses we make for ourselves, such as:
- “I’d rather settle for him/her than be alone.”
- “They’re a great friend, so I must have done something wrong.”
- “I don’t want to hurt their feelings.”
- “I’ll bring it up later.”
3. Denying yourself the right to think, feel, or act...
When our excuse-making spirals out of control, or we’re too focused on maintaining a failing relationship, we may deny ourselves the right to think, feel, or act. Some might even convince themselves that they are being altruistic by prioritizing someone else over their own needs.
This is often observed in couples, particularly those with children. One partner may be completely disillusioned with the relationship but chooses to suppress their thoughts, feelings, and emotions “for the sake of the kids” or to avoid “stirring the pot,” avoiding any actions that might alter their situation. This can also occur with someone who has been a close friend for many years.
4. UNSETTLED ANGER, FEAR, OR ANXIETY WHEN INTERACTING
In a relationship that has been mentally taxing for a while, negative emotions often become magnified during interactions with the other person. A persistent sense of dread lingers, unmitigated by our best efforts. It's as though the prolonged hurt resurfaces negative feelings with any conversation or interaction. The frequency and intensity of these emotions typically correlate with the duration and severity of the mistreatment. Persistent negativity can be detrimental to our mental health.
5. CONSTANTLY TRYING TO ‘FIX’ THE RELATIONSHIP TO LITTLE AVAIL
A relationship is a two-way street, requiring both parties to occasionally give and take. When one person is unwilling to reciprocate the effort necessary to maintain a healthy relationship, the prospects for improvement are often slim. If, despite our efforts, the other person either: (1) temporarily changes or (2) refuses to alter their behavior, it's a strong indication that the relationship may be unsustainable. Friendships, dating, and marriage cannot be compelled. Working on a relationship is only feasible when both individuals are prepared to invest the necessary time and effort.
In conclusion, tolerating a persistently negative relationship is not advisable. Although there may be hesitation or fear in severing ties with someone, it is frequently for the greater good of both parties involved. It is crucial to prioritize our mental health and to avoid interactions with individuals who may compromise our emotional and mental well-being.
Thank you; vele5!
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